On Saturday Lady Gaga premiered the video to the third single of ARTPOP (or possibly fourth, depending on whether you count Venus as a single), G.U.Y. on American TV, before popping it on the internet. Your correspondent obligingly settled down to watch the creation only slightly alarmed by its eleven minute run time, and provide you with a blow by blow account of his watching experience.
0:08 – hang on, this is the tune to Artpop, a good not great song off the album.
0:15 – so we have post-apocalyptic capitalist wars, strong look.
0:36 – great arse Gaga, well done
1:01 – so, she’s a fallen angel, is she Lucifer? In the eyes of many, quite possibly (shout out to Perez Hilton). But she’s been injured by corporate America, something art over money something.
1:21 – she must be terribly dusty, I’d be sneezing loads by this point.
1:40 – oh she’s broken off the arrow and is standing up, phew, she’s fine guys.
1:44 – arrow = phallus obv, lol.
1:57 – she’s fallen over again, silly, lucky she’s got those PVC guardian monks to help her
2:06 – oh, Venus is starting, which I started off initially disliking but have grown to appreciate with further listens, the ‘when you touch me I die’ bit is pop GOLD
2:17 – oh hello dancing men in tiny shorts, where have you BEEN?!
2:35 – everyone seems very busy doing their exercises and dancing and not helping poor dusty angel Gaga.
2:45 – they’ve put a floral wreath on her, that’ll help, go to hospital? Nah, floral wreath just as good.
3:05 – she’s trying to be Ophelia in the water by Millais isn’t she? It’s coz this is ARTpop remember guys, ART ART ART.
3:07 – now HERE WE GO, hello real housewives, I don’t watch your show which probably makes me a terrible gay, regardless, your ‘playing’ of instruments is endearing if unconvincing, I’m looking at YOU, woman with cello.
3:24 – G.U.Y. starting AT LAST, and look, Gaga’s got a massive headdress on, she bloody loves a massive headdress doesn’t she. Mental.
3:33 – a quick Google has revealed the guy in the clouds is Andy Cohen, a gay late night talk show host. You learn something new every day don’t you, eh.?
3:38 – I’m a big fan of this leotard Gaga, I feel I recognise it from somewhere *cough Miley Cyrus cough*
3:47 – hooray, some proper choreographed dancing, in a big flower crown, excellent
4:08 – nice bit of synchronised swimming, I always like synchronised swimming
4:24 – ah, here’s the videos first WTF moment, comparable to the swan thing in Applause; it’s a strange cutout teddy bear outfit. I’m sure there’s a very deep and meaningful explanation to it but I can’t be bothered to consider it.
4:42 – great Gaga walking part 1.
4:49 – it’s our third example of pointless buff naked men in a music video in the last fortnight, after Jennifer Lopez’s I Luh Ya Papi’ and Kylie Minogue’s Sexercise – the second one. I applaud this trend. #feminism
4:54 – incidentally THIS is how you do ancient civilisations in music videos, take note Ms. Perry.
5:23 – what’s this unconvincing geek (too handsome) doing on Minecraft then?
5:30 – IT’S MICHAEL JACKSON (not really)
5:33 – second WTF – Gaga made of lego, good good carry on
5:37 – IT’S JESUS AND GANDHI (not really)
5:45 – it’s a cloning centre, viz. Rocky Horror, and is that blue ball the Jeff Koons sculpture thing in the background?
6:07 – so Gaga’s perfect man is a mix of Jackson, Gandhi, Jesus and apparently John Lennon is there too but we don’t get a good look. Pressure on her current boyfriend much?
6:18 – great Gaga walking part 2
6:25 – she appears to taking vengeance on the execs from the beginning, understandable as they shot her with that arrow, I’d be pretty miffed too.
6:46 – actually, the more I look at it, the more I think that pink bar running along the top of the cloning room might be a representation of a lady’s rudey bits, is it just me? Hmmmm….
7:14 – good pout at the end Lady G
7:23 – she’s created an army of handsome men in suits, THE HORROR.
7:40 – aaaaaaand it’s over, and now loadsa credits to the tune of MANiCURE, which is one of my favs off the album, v. Blondie
So, what did we all learn there then children? Well, Gaga is still able to churn out a great music video, after we all got a bit worried of the whole debacle over the never completed Do What U Want video that seemed to signal crisis in the Haus. But now this has emerged I think it was worth the wait. It’s interesting to note in the credits that Gaga herself directed this video, yet it feels as lush as any of Jonas Åkerlund’s past creations for her. It still contains Gaga’s weirdness, but is mainly a masterclass about how to create a properly exciting big fancy pop video that people will want to share. Well done Stefani.
Nick Cordingly is the Deputy Editor of MUSIC at PTL. He was recently dragged kicking and screaming out of the Cambridge bubble and is now in the enviable position of trying to find a use for a history degree when all he wants to do is listen to pop music and tweet. Nick also has a tumblr called ‘Sounds & Thoughts’ which he should update more regularly.
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